nia, u are still my one and only baby

the pictures above were taken about 3 weeks ago,when i was 6 weeks pregnant. the photo shoot was supposed to be an intimate one, between me and nia.and we dressed according to what ive been dreaming off all these while, white dresses :)

i was quite surprised when i found out i was pregnant, this time around i didnt cry like my first experience. in fact i was blank and felt a bit unready. but as soon as i found out on the 23rd june, i told my hubby n family and all of us accepted the news happily :) this time i didnt feel like announcing the news to everyone a.s.a.p, except to the closed ones. i felt unsure and all i wanted was to have a look at my fetus by going for a scan.

the next day i went for a scan at my gynae and i was about 4 weeks ++ preggy. the doctor couldnt trace the sack,it was unclear but i was positively pregnant.so she asked me to come again in 2 weeks time. when i was 7 weeks preggy, nia was admitted to the hospital coz she had food poisoning.i took 5 days to take extra good care of her until she fully recovered. so i didnt have the chance to see my gynae...

i just went to a g.p and did a scan.so there it was, the little sack but it took quite some time for us to see it clearly. i felt a bit different coz during nia's time,we could already see her heart blinking by 7 weeks. but the doctor told me it was still early so come in 2 more weeks time to see the heart beat.i took the scan picture and put it in my bag.from that day on, i started to feel love towards the little thing in my stomach :)

the feeling was different this time coz ive been loving nia with all my heart for 14 months and when someone new is expected,i felt confused, whether i can divide my love, care and attention equally??will i still have time for my lil shoba after this? my mom told me that it's a normal feeling for every mother.eventually, you will love all your children without any biasness.so i accept it and try to learn to be a mother of 2!

i went for my conference on the 21st-24th july and as soon as i came back, i was already 9 weeks preggy..no bad feeling at all, just vomitted once, a bit of nausea and everything else was good.until saturday evening i felt fatigue and lenguh2 badan...but i ignore it.ye lah,dgn layan budak 15 months yg tgh buas lagi kan...on sunday night,i started bleeding.was worried and i went for a scan straight away. the news that i got was not good at all and i waited to see my gynae the next day.

on monday, 27th july, i was still bleeding and my gynae confirmed to us that my fetus was so small and did not develop.in fact it's development was like a 6 weeks old fetus when it's supposed to be 9 weeks old.no heart beat, no little fingers or whatsoever.the sack was empty and the bleeding happened coz it's a natural way/sign of miscarriage. we have to face the fact that the fetus was defective and it's better to lose it now than later.

so i had a d & c on the same day.i was given a sleeping jab and as soon as i opened my eyes,lil nia was hugging me on the hospital bed.and we buried the unborn fetus in front of our house.

i believe there must be a reason behind this.Allah yg menentukan segalanya, mungkin ada rezeki di masa hadapan, insyaallah nia akan dapat adik lagi ya:) alhamdulillah,i am strong enough and i thank my family for giving me full support.

to hubby,i know how frustrated you are,i know u want a baby from hong kong right?sorry dear, ive been taking good care of it for 9 weeks and ive been eating all the supplements and milk religiously.but Allah has a better plan fo us, insyaallah.

some people are just insensitive

how would u feel if someone says this to your innocent 1 year old child?:

"ee, gangster la dia ni.dah besar sure jadi pembuli.sure buli semua org kat sekolah"; or

"evil, evil, evil, evil" (i lost count brapa kali dia sebut evil)

okay,there is an issue here.everyone,i mean literally, everyone would feel offended and angry if it happens to their child.who won't?especially when it came out from someone whom u r not close with and all this while u've been sick with that someone's laser mouth.especially when those untolerable words were spoken to an innocent child who doesnt even understand 'life' and who is still in the phase where she wants to explore and learn more about herself. what was that person thinking when those words came out from his/her mouth?? what did my child do to that person that made the stupid person uttered those words??

thank god my lil nia didnt understand what that person was saying and thank god, she didnt even bother to go to that person or even looked at that person.nia must have felt that person's bad aura. i was really really angry and pissed off till i became speechless.im so sorry nia for not being able to defend u as my child.as a mother i should have done that.but all i know, u are one smart girl who behaves and mummy is proud of your development. u were doing your own 'gugu gaga cute things' when that 'stranger' tried to interfere and gave stupid negative comments.yup.that person was stupid. that person doesnt even know you or your developments.an adult who loves to give negative synical comments,laser,disrespectful and arrogant. mummy is not suprise coz all this while ive tried to tolerate with it. but when that person crossed the boundary and did this to my baby child, i juz cant accept it anymore.

to that person.u have not reached my level yet.so dont talk much about handling a toddler.it's way different than handling an infant.u can only learn from experience. there's no hard and fast rules when it comes to handling a toddler yang dalam fasa nak explore things and be creative. there's no theoritical methods, parental instincts will tell you what to do. after all, my daughter is not buas or uncontrollable.go ask my close frens. it's just you that have an issue with your mouth.please be extra sensitive to other people's feeling, especially if u ckp dpn mak budak tu. apa lah dosa seorang budak kecil yg masih belum kenal dunia sampai u rasa u layak nak cakap anak org evil?who are you by the way? what if someone says the same thing to your own flesh and blood?

well, i believe in karma.

p/s:on another note, last nite we went for nia's chicken pox's jab.the paed told us that nia doesnt look and doesnt act like a 1 year 1 month child. she's like a 1 year 6 months physically and mentally!haha.the paed told us that at her age, being able to speak 4 clear words are good enough.but when she heard nia talking to her (as in talk, not baby talk)she was impressed.by the way, nia can already speak about 10 words! well sayang,only 'intelligent' people like the paed deserves to tell you who you are:) dont listen to some stupid lalat like the one ive mentioned above.

love you:)

memories

i found these pictures in my camera (which i tak sempat upload pun lagi)

and these are the pictures of our tv yg sempat i ambil semenjak pindah

what r u guys doing right now?we missed u terribly :(

thanks sayang :)

to mr.barney n shugiga, 2 most important persons in my life;

thank you for the jubah hubby deary

thank you for the mug and tray (that i still haven't use coz syg sgt!) lil nia

u both made my (mother's) day :)

an overdue entry - "2nd year celebrating Mummy's Day"

mummy, im a walking girl!!

and i can drive with mr.barney!

im a toddler now mummy,n i love window shopping! :P

during mother's day a year ago, i was still on my confinement period.i can still remember clearly on that day, no celebration,i just sat at home and received some sms'es from close frens.however my 2 weeks old nia was not well and her nose mcm kena blocked.so later in the evening, me n barney took nia to see her paed. we came to the clinic for other reason but we got an unexpected news from the doctor instead. i still remember,i cried non stop in front of the doctor as soon as we heard the news.lil nia didnt understand anything at all,and she cried too.when she cried, i cried too. she was still fragile and too small and i just couldnt accept the fact.i was clueless and my mind was blank.alhamdulillah, hubby and my family gave me support n strength for me to accept the news and go thru my confinement period positively.all we knew, kami harus jaga nia karlyssa sebaik mungkin. that was how i celebrated mother's day last year and i will always remember it.

a year later, alhamdulillah, syukur pada Tuhan, now Nia has fully recovered and is one healthy girl.sometimes her capability lebih jauh dari umur dia, and she makes us proud:) dont ask me why and what coz it will always be a family secret.yang penting, that experience thought me a lot when i was just a 2 weeks old mummy.i became strong for the sake of my child,that's why i love her too much and nobody will understand it. only those who have their own child understand these feelings, we love our child so much regardless of how other people thought of our child, kan??

a mum's unconditional love

mother's day tahun ni mummy celebrate dengan mama n mak skali at our new house.we went for breakfast, lunch n tea sama-sama. then,mummy belanja mak n mama tudung ariani.mummy pun tunggu la, mana hadiah dari nia ni??hehe..nia gave mummy one set of mug n biscuit tray that says i love u mummy or something like that.hehe thanks syg,i luv it to bits (tp mummy tau daddy yg belikan).heheh..

hmm..what should i get for mummy??

i had fun celebrating a simple but full of love mother's day with my loved ones.i even did extra housechores on that day to show hubby this is what he n nia will get from a happy mummy:)hehe. to nia, mummy is so sorry for being extra garang everytime u are extra notty. kalau mummy pukul tapak tangan nia tu, maksudnya mummy taknak nia pegang benda-benda kotor mcm batu, sampah dan mcm2 lg k? kalau mummy jerit bila nia mengamuk taknak pakai pampers, itu sebab mummy nak nia well dressed before u can go n play, k? other than that i think u behave well enough dear :) mummy understands, this is the phase where u want to be adventurous n it's a good sign dear, at least it shows that otak anak mummy ni kreatif berfikir and active, taklah pasif je kan?

muka nia kalau takut bila mummy marah :p

on another note, nia dah pandai appreciate baby n suka sebut "bebeh" :) hehe.she also knows how to kiss the baby.i hope u can be a loving n good kakak k??sekarang ni kalau jalan dkt mall or playground or naik turun tangga,mmg nia prefers to walk, so mummy pun terbongkok2 pimpin tgn nia to ensure nia jalan elok2...and i hope in 30 years time we can still hold hands together sambil jalan coz mummy pun maybe tak larat sgt:) love u sayang.

now u see it, now u dont :(

our main hall.notice the wall?i miss my tv :(
hall atas.notice the knife?thay took it from our kitchen.scary.

neatly done

our supposedly 'private' area is no longer private

padlock pun hilang

dinding yg kosong.tempat lain dia tak sepahkan. pelik??

our room had been invaded.hello mr, i have no barang kemas whatsoever.

sliding door tepi rumah yg dibiarkan ternganga

we moved in officially on the 24th of april 2009 sempena birthday nia karlyssa. however, tak sampai sebulan, yesterday 18th may 2009 monday 3 pm (we didnt sleep at our house for 2 nights) as my hubby stepped inside the house; this was the condition.

we lost 2 of our lcd tvs, satu letak hall bawah, satu hall atas.the culprit took the remote controls and the bedsheets plus blanket (to cover the tvs).our computers and a laptop are safe. tak sampai sebulan pakai tv tu...n i pity my hubby,he worked hard for the tvs and now, when we are on a tight budget coz semua dah habis untuk move in, the culprit senang2 je masuk n took our belongings, hasil titik peluh kami.

alhamdulillah none of us were at home at that time.this is a gated area which only has one entrance.n still, this is happening.well, to the culprit(s), semoga Allah balas kembali perbuatan anda yang hanya tahu nak bersenang lenang atas kesusahan orang lain. Insya allah doa orang yg teraniaya akan dimakbulkan.and to those who show their concerns,thanks so much for being sincere:) yg anggap benda ni nothing,u will only know how i feel if u were in my shoes.

thank you.

her first birthday that will always be remembered :)