The Price I Have To Pay As A Mother

phew.sebulan lebih dah tak update.n i got calls from few of my frens asking me to update on my lil shugiga.yerla..that's the main purpose of creating this blog pun..a lot has happened n my lil daughter has achieved new skills now that she's turning 8 months.

i didnt update on our bandung trip, however to sum it all it was an awesome trip for all of us especially nia who behaved really well, considering it was her first trip at the age of 6 months old:) i guess the pictures ive posted earlier dah menceritakan semuanya... however, before we went to bandung, nia demam sikit so a day before our flight, i brought her to the clinic n she took her medication to bandung.alhamdulillah nothing happened at bandung n she continued being active. balik malaysia, we went to pahang for buduk's wedding on the 9th november. as usual, nia ok jer n happy dapat jalan2 lagi :) balik je k.l, once we stepped out of the car, her body temperature naik sgt2 n jadi panas till i became panicked.so we brought her to the clinic.the next day i had to take e.l coz nak jaga dia. by afternoon badan dia panas lagi so we brought her to az-zahrah. for the first time, she looked ill n slept n mengeluh in her sleep :( sampai az-zahrah, doctor tak masuk lagi n her temperature was 39'C. the nurse suruh masuk bilik wad sementara to sponge her.on the wat to the room, she vomitted.all her milks keluar.again, i felt like crying.di nampak lemah n kesejukan.we sponged her to lower down her temperature n masukkan ubat kat punggung, tu pun turun jadi 38'C je.

after 3-4 days, by the end of the week nia recovered from her fever n i was relieved :)after about 3 weeks, my barney kena demam n batuk2 right after impak maksima the musical finished.i understand, it must be because of the stress n surroundings he had to face during the theatre.tapi, yg takutnya kalau virus tu merebak dekat shugiga.tak sampai 1 day, the evil virus attacked me n i became 'coughable' n 'fluable'.huhu. nothing can be done, if barney can be restrained from sleeping in the same room with me n shugiga (untuk elak jangkitan), i on the other hand couldnt be separated from my girl. n true enough, the next day she started coughing.

on monday morning (1st dec) i brought her to see her paed again.and finally this time we got to meet her dr nik rose.by this time her phlegm dah banyak n it could be heard thru her breathing. her temperature mmg dah naik sgt waktu tu.for the first time, bak poney nangis while carrying nia who was asleep soundly n i heard her said "nia jangan sakit mcm ni sayang, mak poney mau balik"....n i couldnt help myself from crying...sedih sgt, mak poney dah jaga nia since she was born n i trusted her with full confidence when nia was with her..but she went back on the 6th dec coz her family missed her...kesian nia, mesti dia pelik kenapa tiba2 mak poney dia hilang :(

her paed decided that she needed the neubalizer/the oxygen to cairkan her phlegm n after that process she needed to see the fisio punya org to help her keluarkan kahak dia. oh my, nia cried as if she was beaten! bila die kena bedung/swaddle waktu nak keluarkan kahak, i tak sanggup tgk. barney helped to hold her n i stand facing the wall.she was crying helplessly mintak simpati n i know, mesti sakit gile kalau hidung n tekak kena cucuk dgn tiub dalam-dalam.i cried when she cried.owhhh ive never experienced this before...after the awful experience, we went to see her paed again n this time when she examined nia's lungs, she found out that it has been infected. jangkitan kuman di paru-paru/pneumonia.i felt as if someone just slapped me, ive read about lung infection few times somewhere n i know it's dangerous especially for a little angel like nia.i cried again.

the doctor also found out that her ear has been infected too.n she decided that nia needs to be warded. maybe 2-3 days or more, it all depends on her antibody. so dengan berat hatinya we registered her room n we went back to pack our things. lagi la sedih coz barney was supposed to go to perlis on the same day for one week.i was left alone with nia, and bak poney. we stayed in the hospital for 4 restless days. makan ubat every 6 hours, neubalizer every 3 hours, nia kena cucuk lagi, nia kena fisio lagi, nia kena masuk tiub untuk keluarkan phlegm lagi.mmg penat, penat n tak sampai hati nak tgk dia menangis meraung-raung every time the procedures had to be done.otherwise she was one active n happy girl.i rasa dia pun tak sedar dia kat hospital :)

during our 4 days stay in the hospital, i learnt something new.i learnt a lot about SACRIFICES. since i have nia, ive sacrificed a lot of my time for her. i couldnt go straight to bed after balik kerja like i used to do (even tho mata mmg gam, kepala mmg berat) but magically once i reached home, all the headaches fly away just like that everytime i see her. i also have to carefully plan my weekends coz weekends are the only days i have for her. sometimes i have to squeeze my time here n there to meet my girl frens coz i couldnt bring nia along. n time is precious, i have to be back as fast as i can coz i wanna spend time wif her.some people might not understand, wait till you become a mother. but those sacrifices are not enough.

when i stayed with her in the hospital, i knew, she has no one else but her mother for her to rely on. she's helpless and scared and i have to be there for her. i cried so many times on the first day but no more on the following days.i have to be strong n i have to show to her that life is more than just being sick. there are a lot more things to be afraid off out there. being the mata gam i used to be, this time i didnt sleep at night.i would rather look at her sleeping, monitoring her breathing n make sure she's okay. there's nothing more worrying than seeing ur child in a sick condition.now i know how uneasy the feeling could be. all i could think was to fight the virus in her body n make sure she took her medication completely.silently, i also have self conflict, i was scared at the same time coz i had no more leave n i had to be absent from work for a week.so many things to think about... i played with her when the procedures are over n i hugged her everytime after the awful procedures so that she feels safe. on the 3rd day she started consuming less milk n food.n i felt like crying again. but i have to be patient and make sure she drinks her milk. SABAR became my new best friend. dah la husband takda, so i had to gather all my strength.

alhamdulillah, she was discharged on the 4th dec n could celebrate raya haji at home.as at today, she has fully recovered.yesterday (11th dec) i brought her to the clinic again n her lungs dah clear. so i asked her paed to give the the pneumococal vaksin. it is quite costly but im traumatized n it's better for me to prevent than cure. hhmm..nia is turning 8 months by the end of this month and to me, this is just the beginning. the journey is still long and i believe, i'll learn thru the hard way in becoming a good mother. motherhood is the best especially when it comes to baby nia!!